The Perfidy of Fury
Before life arose on the World, before the World was created, before Yultan could even grasp the shaft of his mighty tool -- Yea, scarce had Time begun to run its allotted course by the will of the Twelve, when the Green-skinned Extortionist attempted to wrest heavenly power from Our Lord of Destruction.
Havoc naturally told him to piss off, and the Primal Bully challenged Him to a Duel, the first in the Universe's History.
Between the Challenge and the Duel, the Chartreuse One practiced for the bout by wiping the floor with Artifice in a dastardly and unprovoked attack.
Creep Verde and the Lord of Destruction met in the Hall of Doom, and Our Lord drew the first blood in the combat. For a very short time, it appeared that He might even prevail over the noxious foe. But the Minty-Fresh Merchant of Death kicked Havoc in his Holy Genitals, and soon a bruised and bloodied Havoc lay prostrate on the floor of the Hall of Doom. In answer to the offered insult of surrender, Havoc spat his refusal, accompanied with a bicuspid.
So did Havoc meet his first Death, at the hands of Him of the Avocado Visage. Of the interminable Council of the Gods which followed these outrages, little will be said here, apart from the fact that at the end, Havoc spat a carrot at the Emerald Embarrassment.
Chapter 1
Janus is a two-faced little demonic prick, and all us mortals know it.
The only reason It was able to kick Havoc's ass is because It's at least half-demon and managed to use Its demonic wiles to confound Havoc. The other gods should really pay more attention to this viper in Their midst.
After Havoc challenged It to a Duel, Anus transformed into a full demon, the first ever seen in Heaven.
Janus got Artifice to make him a weapon. Some might say that Artifice is an unethical, puny demon-hugger, but that's for the gods to decide. Due to a demonic glamour, most unfairly wrought upon this weapon, it became four times more powerful than it should have been, and Havoc was for the second time sent to shoot the shit with Uncle Mort.
And then, Artifice transforms this full-fledged demon into a lesser God. Gadschips! Are we mortals to offer our devotion to a demon? Are the other gods going to stand for this insult? Have the gods of Heaven sold us all out? They say that Anus is no longer demonic, but who's gonna trust that?
Chapter 1
When the world was new and Mab was nought but a cute Celestial Spirit, She could not help but be smitten with overpowering Lust at the mere sight of Havoc. The feeling was mutual, and it wasn't long before Havoc had Destroyed the first Hymen in the History of the Universe.
With Havoc-moon providing a magnificent backdrop, they did it every which way. They boffed, bonked and boinked. Doggy-style, bat-style and Cajun-style. Sitting, reclining and standing. Genital, anal and oral.
They disported themselves as only the inhabitants of Heaven can. After a brief hiatus, they ran to the Hall of Doom and had a quickie against a wall during a Great Council Meeting. Cool.
Later, of course, Mab became both the wife of Meta and a Goddess. Since Havoc was dead at the time, He missed the wedding; however, since then, His obvious devotion to His step-mother has been a source of much comment.
Chapter 1
Luminos had not yet made the Great Night-Light, and was trying out some sort of payola scheme with Valentine to keep the latter from creating a moon. However, Lord Havoc knew that lovers and cat-burglars would, in ages to come, offer prayers of gratitude to the creators of a Satellite.
Havoc arranged for Meta and Euclidates to join Him in creating our Moon. Inasmuch as Havoc did most of the work involved, He was allowed to name the satellite after himself, and so all races of Earth, even those stupid enough not to worship Havoc, still refer to His Divine Name whenever they admire the Eldest Ornament in the Heavens.
Now, this put Luminos in rather a snit, but everything seems to have been smoothed over, and Luminos worked really, really hard on the Sun, and it shows. It may not be as old as Havoc-moon, but it is far more brilliant and awe-inspiring, as Havoc Himself is the first to admit. Who knows what sort of second-rate Sun we might have gotten if Havoc hadn't spurred Luminos on to really outdo Himself?
Havoc was well-pleased with his satellite, and the gods marvelled at it. Kowabunga, the Sultan of Surf, was particularly smitten by the sight of the celestial orb, so Havoc invited him to fuck it. Kowabunga was first ashamed to reveal his lust, but soon accepted Havoc's offer.
Havoc had already satisfied himself by making use of the crater known today as Mondo. Kowabunga, who does not quite 'hang ten' if you know what I mean, made do with a lesser crater, which has since been filled in with Meta's lava.
Since that time, Kowabunga has felt a strong attraction to Havoc-moon. The Loremasters state with authority that this explains the origins of the tides.
The Blessed and Divine marriage of Meta and Mab also enters upon the story of Havoc-moon. In a fit of passion, in order to honor the name of His beloved, Meta carved the name of Mab into the satellite. Since it is written in the language of the Gods, unknown and unknowable to mortals, and furthermore is carved on the nether side of the satellite, the face of Havoc-moon appears only to bear the image of a butterfly juggling beetroots.
Meta apologetically told Havoc of his lunar graffiti, but Havoc took the news well, remarking only, "Her name is not the only part of Mab that has been on Havoc's face."
Since that time, there has been an affinity between Mab and Havoc-moon. A small minority of Loremasters asserts that this explains the origins of PMS.
Chapter 1
At the behest of the Twelve, the History of the Races of the World started, and Destruction washed across the lands. Over and over again, calamities smote the Earth, and we are still not free of them.
Please Havoc, your worshippers beseech you!
If you must destroy things, please destroy those frog-faces over the next mountain range, and not us.
[The 493 Inefficacious Formulae for Averting Havoc are here omitted.]