From the Devastaticon
Book of Chaos
Chapter 1
Back in the Untime before Time began, there was no Destruction, for our much-maligned Lord, Havoc, did not exist. There were only the Dozen Gods and their Eternal Attendants, and the Endless Geography of Resplendent Heaven. The gods suffered nothing to happen, and allowed nothing to change. They were all in agreement that Heaven was tedious.
But in one place, The Void, the ever changing patterns of Chaos provided a balance to the unbearable stasis of Heaven. In this time-that-was-not, Meta, He whose flames have torched a thousand palaces, was idle near the Source of Chaos, mesmerized by the novelty of The Void. Meta invited Stelos, He whose torrents have washed away a thousand castles, to join Him in watching The Void. Lit by the flickering lights of The Void, Their Olympian visages crinkled in pleasure. The sights and sounds drew Them ever closer to the pulsating rim of Chaos.
Meta tenderly reached in, and withdrew a Beetroot, the first new thing that was seen in Heaven, and for which reason all Beetroots are considered sacred by the many races of Earth, and none partake of them, lest they die.
"WHAT CAN BE DONE WITH A BEETROOT?" queried Meta.
"PERHAPS WE CAN FUCK IT," rejoined Stelos.
And so the two gods took Their turns in lying beside the Beetroot. Having withdrawn it from The Void, Meta took His enjoyment of the vegetable first. Despite the fact that it was the first new experience of His existence, Meta did not enjoy it. The Beetroot is hard and unyielding, and the violence of the rape injured both god and root.
However, Meta played the first practical joke by offering the now slightly wilted root to Stelos, averring that the Sexual Domination of the Beetroot was a pleasurable ordeal. Stelos then turned His divine tool to the task, and found the Beetroot lacking in appeal, notwithstanding the softening that Meta's ministrations had caused.
And so Stelos perceived the joke, and They laughed.
Chapter 2
So Stelos suggested They each alternate drawing forth things from The Void, and offer each to the other as a sexual plaything. Meta agreed heartily, and the Contest of the Sex Toys began. Of the many things which were brought forth and tried in the Untime, no record can tally them all. Nonetheless, the sages aver that, at the least, the reckoning reached three thousand apiece.
Among the toys of Meta are numbered the larch, the trout, the paperclip, the plunger, the cathedral, the malted beverage, the radon gas, the egg-slicer, the paperback novel, the retainer, the electric eel, and the hovercraft.
In his turn, Stelos disported Himself with the asteroid, the mitochondrion, the styrofoam cup, the icicle, the brick, the nose hair trimmer, the flugelhorn, the Commodore 64, the barbell, the snood, the lemur, the squid, and the pluton.
At last, each god thrust His hand into The Void simultaneously, and each drew out the long, slender, shapely leg of a woman. And the woman attached to the legs stirred feelings in Them that none of the other gifts of The Void had. At once They fell to blows over which of Them should try her first.
After a very short time of rough, physical exertion, They were both so turned on They went at Her and each other in any which way. As They drifted in The Void, spent and dreamy, the woman's face finally showed expression as she gave voice to an ululating scream, as our Lord Havoc burst from her belly.
And that is why, in imitation of She who bore Him, we all scream when we see the Lord of Destruction, or suspect that he may be hiding somewhere nearby.
Chapter 3
Therefore, Havoc, Master of Disaster, was born out of the Chaos of the Void, and out of Death of She who bore Him, the unnamed mortal woman, who lived, briefly, in Heaven before there ever was an Earth. Erupting full grown from her innards, Havoc spoke his first words to his dying mother: "IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL."
His Sires were surprised at his sudden Appearance, and made a pact never again to screw anything that came out of The Void. But Havoc, born of the Divine and the Mortal, made Their sight grow glad, and they raised Him as best They could.
However, Havoc was only happy when breaking, destroying, ravaging, pillaging, smiting, cracking, crushing, killing, marring, maiming, scratching, denting, fracturing, splitting, gashing, or splintering something.
Inasmuch as Heaven's perfection was near inviolable, Havoc had an unhappy childhood, and, as well we know, is still subject to temper tantrums that make all mortals quail. For the Gods finally decided to make a playpen for Lord Havoc. A playpen called Earth.