I. And in the time of Hefael son of Yogwae, the municipality of the Stelser-bo was ruled over by Duke Yapahapo, who was a just and merciful ruler, and all the peoples of the municipality did rejoice, that they had such a benevolent leader.
II. And in that time there was also one Lord Rakahapo, nephew to the Duke, and Lord Rakahapo was scheming and devious, and did plot against his uncle the rightful Duke.
III. And it came to pass that Lord Rakahapo did secretly poison Duke Yapahapo1, who did die, and there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth from the populace, that such a noble and kind man had died, and that their municipality would henceforth be ruled by the cruel and lecherous Rakahapo.
IV. And the Duke Rakahapo did levy weighty taxes upon the populace, and he did impress them into unrighteous servitude, and he did take of their young virgins for his cruel pleasures, and he did abolish the minimum wage, forty-hour work week, and universal health care2, and he did suffer all manner of his unrighteous allies to exercise their whims upon the people in the name of the Duke.
V. And there was more wailing and gnashing of teeth, yea, verily.
VI. And the people of the municipality were sorely pained, and they did call upon Serapis the Protector to aid them in prevailing against their oppressors.
VII. And Serapis did look upon the Stelser-bo, and He did see that they were oppressed and made to labor unjustly under the weights that Duke Rakahapo had placed upon their backs.
VIII. And Serapis said, This will not do.
IX. And wise Serapis did send a rain of fishes upon the land, and the people of the municipality ate of them and were no longer hungry.
X. And generous Serapis did also send golden, glittering coins to rain upon the land3, and the people of the municipality were no longer poor.
XI. And the people did rejoice. But soon the fishes were eaten, and the coins spent, and the yoke of their bondage was not lifted from the backs of the Stelser-bo.
XII. And the people of the municipality were sorely pained, and they did call upon Euclidates the Just to aid them in prevailing against their oppressors.
XIII. And Euclidates did look upon the Stelser-bo, and He did see that they were under a heavy burden, and made to obey no law but the will of their lords.
XIV. And Euclidates said, This will not do.
XV. And Euclidates did give unto one of the Stelser-bo, whose name was Kakahopa, the Fifty-Eight Injunctions, graven on stone tablets.
XVI. And the Fifty-Eight Injunctions contained the laws that the Stelser-bo were to follow in order to achieve a just society. The Injunctions did read that the Stelser-bo were not to enslave each other, and that the Stelser-bo were not to eat of the fruit of the sacred weepawapa tree, and that the Stelser-bo were to each be paid a fair living wage for their honest labors.
XVII. And Kakahopa, Chosen of Euclidates, did bear the Fifty-Eight Injunctions in a wheelbarrow, for they were heavy indeed. And Kakahopa did take the Injunctions in that wheelbarrow to Duke Rakahapo and his companions.
XVIII. And Duke Rakahapo did look upon the Injunctions and laugh, and he did order them smashed to pieces by his slaves, and this was done4. And then was Kakahopa's tongue torn out and his hands chopped off, and he was cast into the street to make his way as a beggar, for such is the lot of the Chosen. And the wheelbarrow was given to Duke Rakahapo's stableboys, and filled with malodorous dung5.
XIX. And Duke Rakahapo did not change his evil ways.
XX. And verily, there was more wailing and gnashing of teeth from the citizenry.
XXI. And the people of the municipality were sorely pained. And finally they did call upon Stelos Sea-King to aid them in prevailing against their captors.
XXII. And Stelos did look upon the Stelser-bo, and He did see that they were harshly treated, and that their women were used for the pleasure of the Duke and his men, and that any who spoke against the Duke were beaten and impaled upon wooden spikes.
XXIII. And Stelos said, This will not do.
XXIV. And Stelos did make His way to the hut of Popakipo, the most righteous man in the municipality, and He did take Popakipo before Duke Rakahapo. And Stelos did say, Thou wilt start treating these people in a gentler fashion now, and this man Popakipo, who is just and fair, will advise you in this matter.
XXV. And Duke Rakahapo, who was a faithless man who did not pay attention to the teachings of the gods, failed to recognize Stelos the Atlantean. And he did laugh at Stelos, and tell Him to leave at once before He was thrown out and beaten like a dog.
XXVI. And Stelos did slap the holy bejeezus6 out of the wicked Duke, yea verily.
XXVII. And the Duke called his guards to slay his attacker, and they did rush at Stelos with naked blades and murderous intent.
XXVIII. And Stelos did break open one family-size carton of whoop-ass, and He did leave an entire company of soldiers with their testicles kicked up between their shoulder blades.
XXIX. And Stelos did summon great waves to roar in from the sea, and He did cause them to swallow up the Duke's evil companions who had aided in oppressing the people of the municipality.
XXX. And Stelos did cause lightning to stab from the sky and destroy the chains of the slaves who had labored mightily under the Duke's cruel lash.
XXXI. And Stelos did cause the coffers and purses of the unrighteous lords to burst open, and the people of the municipality did take the coins that poured forth, and they rejoiced.
XXXII. And Stelos did pick up the immoral Duke, and did sit him down in a chair, and did say unto him, Look upon the consequences of thy deeds, and despair of the state of thy soul. Thou wilt start treating these people in a gentler fashion now, fuckhead, or thou wilt have thy genitals chewed off by My piranhas and sharks, yea verily, and that's just for an opener, get me?
XXXIII. And Duke Rakahapo did say, Yes sir thank you sir.
XXXIV. And Stelos did say, Well, that's that, then.
XXXV. And Popakipo did sit at the right hand of the Duke, and did advise him in all matters, and the reign of the Duke became just and righteous.
XXXVI. And upon such occasions as the Duke seemed to Popakipo to be reverting to his old ways, Popakipo had only to mention piranhas, and all the color would depart from Duke Rakahapo's face. And the Duke would then seek Popakipo's advice as to which course of action was most righteous, and follow that advice without hesitance, yea verily.
XXXVII. And upon the death of Rakahapo, Popakipo did
become Duke, and he did rule the municipality fairly and well for all the
days of his life.
1. Medical records tell us that Duke Yapahapo died of the gout. The sap of the weepawapa tree can be distilled into a poison which produces similar symptoms, but it is not known if this process had been discovered at that time.
2. Critics have trivialized the universal health care of the Stelser-bo under the Yapahapo regime, claiming that it failed to cover vital procedures such as leeching and beatings to drive out possessing demons, and that you were unable to choose your own barber.
3. There were over a hundred recorded injuries from falling coins, several serious but none fatal.
4. Legend has it that there were originally sixty Injunctions, but that only fifty-eight could be remembered by the faithful after the stone tablets were smashed. Various heretical Euclidates-worshipping sects frequently claim to have discovered the nature of the Lost Injunctions, ranging from "Thou shalt honor thy mother's second cousin" to "Thou shalt not break wind and blame it upon another."
5. Kakahopa's Wheelbarrow, according to legend, was later placed in the tomb of Xarius at Teimar, but not moved when Xarius' body was transported from Teimar to the holy city of Shedanpo. Various expeditions have been made to locate the First Tomb of Xarius, none of them successful.
6. Some translations read "kick the
shit out of".