(There is nothingness, then a disk of light that moves around at random. Energetic music emerges from the darkness, then a disembodied voice begins to shout.)
VOICE: And now, dead from the Underworld, it's time for Uncle Mort's Resting Place, with ... the Mortettes!
(Now there is a large stage, brightly lit. In the back is a huge reproduction of a face, which can only be that of Uncle Mort, the soul guide. Beings of all the many races come out in a line abreast. Those with legs are dancing in unison. Others take part as they can. Stegal flutter in an out. Thorn dryads on each side of the stage make sounds like the wind passing through thistles, adding to the music. Those with speech begin to sing.)
MORTETTES: Welcome, Fire Orcs, to the Afterlife.
You used to be so tough and savage.
But now you're done with war and strife.
There's no more villages to ravage.
The Underworld is not a place
Where you can kill for sport,
But don't put on a gloomy face,
'Cause here comes Uncle Mort!
(Uncle Mort runs in as the Mortettes finish. Those so equipped perform the one arm extended, palm up gesture of "presenting" Uncle Mort. He takes a bow and the music ends.)
MORT: Thank you, everyone. Welcome to Uncle Mort's Resting Place. I know some of you are still a bit nonplussed about, well, death, but we're going to do our best to make you feel great about being here. And speaking of great, lets have a hand for those great Mortettes!
(Uncle Mort begins applause, and the music briefly plays again as the Mortettes dance off, leaving Uncle Mort alone on stage.)
AN INTERVIEW: MEET YOUR MAKER
MORT: Now it's time for something really important. It's a special treat for all Fire Orc souls that I like to call "Meet Your Maker". And here comes our special guest now!
(Suddenly there are flames everywhere, obscuring Uncle Mort and his surroundings. From out of this glorious blaze emerges an awe-inspiring deity of firy aspect. Every Fire Orc recognizes that this is none other than Yultan Earthforge himself! The flames subside, revealing a desk behind which sits Uncle Mort, and a comfy chair which receives the honor of bearing the weight of mighty Yultan.)
MORT: Welcome to "Meet Your Maker", Lord Yultan Earthforge. It's an honor to have you here, and I know all the souls of dead Fire Orcs are really excited to experience the glory of your divine presence.
YULTAN: It is Our Pleasure to grant Our divine Judgement upon the souls of the damned, and the merely inconvenienced.
MORT: So, that Creation of the World was really something! Were you nervous?
YULTAN: Not really, Uncle Mort. We had envisioned that Creation of the World since, lo, the creation of the Cosmic All. We know exactly what to do. Of course, We did not intend for the lesser gods to mess up the exterior decorating the way they did, but, hey, we got 99.99999999999999999999% of it exactly right!
MORT: Well, I'm sure impressed. Personally, I have trouble just making my bed! (The sound of laughter comes from nowhere.) How exactly did the idea of creating Fire Orcs come to you?
YULTAN: It was nothing, really. We simply took My divine wrath, Fury's love of Combat and Mordak's embrace of Death, added a dash of Luminos' Truth, and shook well. Well, actually, it was Mordak's recipe. But I was the one who cooked it.
MORT: Speaking of cooking, it sure was impressive the way you cooked the goose of those guys in the tower. I bet no one ever again mistakes architecture, cooking, or interior decorating for the True Meaning of Life. So, what is the meaning of life, for Fire Orcs?
YULTAN: Simple, Uncle Mort. Live well, fight savagely, die like a dog. And of course, give eternal thanks to your Loving Gods.
MORT: I'm sure all the Fire Orcs with us today are proud to do their part, inconsequential as it may be next to your mighty deeds. That reminds me. Are there any special projects you're working on that you'd like to tell us about? Any smithing or smiting on the agenda?
YULTAN: Well, yes, Uncle Mort, We do have a special project in hand. It's rather Top Secret, you understand, but we do have ideas about crushing our enemies underfoot like rotten beetles.
MORT: Wow! Finally, is there anything in particular you'd like to say to our dead friends? Any special things you'd like them to do as denizens of the afterlife? After all, as dead souls, there's not much they can do in the way of combat, and we're all out of naphtha.
YULTAN: Just that, not being Gods and all, We do not take much delight in inflicting Eternal Torment upon them, it's just the nature of the job. Nothing personal.
MORT: Thank you, Yultan Earthforge, First of the Gods. It's been fascinating talking with you. I know all the dead Fire Orcs will be much more at ease with their existence in the Afterlife, based on what you've told us. So long, and tell that sourpuss brother of yours Mordak that Uncle Mort says hello!
YULTAN: Thank you, Uncle Mort. Know that Yultan Earthforge, Lifebringer, the First God, Maker of Worlds, Eldest of the Eternal Twins, thanks you for the opportunity to speak to the Dead. And I hope to you here, permanently, as my special guest.
(Yultan vanishes in another blaze, which grows to almost unbearable intensity then suddenly abates. Uncle Mort is again visible.)
A DOCUMENTARY: NAPHTHA AND YOU
MORT: Here's another item of special interest to all you dearly departed Fire Orcs. It's called "Naphtha and You."
(Everything goes black, except the words "Naphtha and You" appear in huge Orcan letters. These are replaced with a familiar scene, a Fire Orc's home. However, the whole world consists entirely of blacks, whites, and various shades of grey. In the background, we here music, cheerful yet bland. Our point of view fixes on a female Orc who is washing clothes. From nowhere comes a mellifluous male voice.)
VOICE: Hey there! I bet you're using naphtha to get the dirt out of those clothes, aren't you!
(The Orc looks toward us and nods.)
VOICE: Sure! Naphtha, the holy gift of the Gods, is great for dissolving dirt! But have you thought of all the other ways that naphtha helps to make your life better?
(She shrugs.)
VOICE: Well, how about that lamp over there, you use naphtha for fuel don't you?
(She glances at the lamp, then back to us, and nods.)
VOICE: Plus, there's naptha in many things you keep around your home! Unguents! Stomach-ache remedies! Paint thinner! Pesticides!
(The various products mentioned appear from nowhere. The Orc seems a bit confused, as if she doesn't recognize some of these objects.)
VOICE: Did you know that naphtha can be used to make feed for livestock?
(She shakes her head, looking incredulous. Then everything vanishes and is replaced with a view of members of various lesser races, obviously slaves, being fed under the eyes of their Orc master.)
VOICE: Well, it's true! And naphtha is used for war!
(The world changes again. Now Orcs are hurling flaming pottery at human enemies, who run away screaming when their clothes catch fire. Then the scene changes to a sacred rite being conducted by a High Umpah before a flame.)
VOICE: For religion! In fact, wherever there are Fire Orcs, there's naphtha, helping to make today great and tomorrow even better! But how do we obtain this precious, holy substance?
(Now the scene changes to one of the eternal flames that dot the Orcan countryside. Several orcs, carrying vessels, approach the flame, at the base of which we see a pool of liquid. They crawl up to the pool, avoiding the touch of the flame, and begin to fill their vessels.)
VOICE: Skilled naphta-takers like the ones you see here can gather as much as 10 gallons a day! But be careful, youngster!
(A young Orc, whose arm has caught fire, screams and starts to run away. His companions tackle him and roll him over, extinguishing the flames. They all laugh.)
VOICE: Ha ha! Yes, danger is all in a day's work for the naphta-taker! So let's remember these braves souls when we thank the gods for their many blessings! But most of all, let's give thanks for naphtha, the holy liquid that makes the Fire Orcs the rightful rulers of all mortal races!
(The scene has changed to an enemy city being burned to ashes by Fire Orcs. The music reaches a crescendo. The world goes black, except for the words "The End", then we are back with Uncle Mort, and there is color again.)
PARTING WORDS
MORT: I hope you found that as fascinating as I did. Before we go, I'd like to tell you a little story. The other day, the soul of a young Fire Orc named Iggy came up to me and said, "I'm so sad Uncle Mort. I died as a small child, before I ever got a chance to kill anybody It's not fair!"
"Of course it's not," I replied. "It's part of the divine plan that life be unfair, but at least it's over now, for you." Then I pointed to the dead Stegal, Feranyi, Bibliotheques, and other peaceful souls. And little Iggy realized that if life were fair, then it wouldn't be possible for the Fire Orcs to be so much better than all those other wimpy races. You may see Iggy wandering around the Afterlife, taking joy in all the death that surrounds him and no longer fretting about whether he got to cause any of it. I hope you'll all be like that, and make each moment of death as happy as possible.
Well, I see it's time for this vision to end. Uncle Mort has many other places he needs to be and tasks to perform for the gods. So long! Catch you later!
(Uncle Mort waves good-bye. The music from the beginning of the vision returns, and the Mortettes dance back into view and also wave. The vision ends and the timeless experience of the Underworld continues as before.)